Euro Tensions Soar on Greek XXX Rated Bond Issuance

By Market News at August 24, 2011 11:55
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling, Market Panics

---- ATHENS, GREECE ----                           THIS IS ALL FAKE

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou was on the defensive today amidst fallout over his nation's latest triple X rated debt issue. Only Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi voiced cautious approval.

"You want people to buy these or not?" asked a defiant Papandreou. 

"Forty percent interest didn't bring people in the door.  But now, even kids are finally interested in fixed income."

Some of the bonds feature the Greek Womens' Water Polo Team.

Fort Knox Full of Chocolate - Secretary Geithner in the Hot Seat

By Market News at August 22, 2011 02:22
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling

---- WASHINGTON, D.C. ----

Until today nobody doubted the U.S. Bullion Depository at Fort Knox, Kentucky held more than 5,000 tons of gold.

Fort Knox Gold

But this morning, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner admitted the Depository is just full of chocolate bars. 

geithner gold

"There wasn't going to be a 'right' time to announce this" confessed the Secretary.  "We hoped chocolate would be a reserve currency before we had to."

Fortunately, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York holds an even larger stockpile of gold weighing almost 8,000 tons, much of it held in trust for foreign nations.  

That Bank's president William Dudley assured world governments "The Nestle Crunch is yours, right France?"

Geithner Warns China to Cure its Addiction to Lending

By Market News at August 21, 2011 22:53
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling

---- WASHINGTON, D.C. ----

United States Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner Sunday blasted China for its "addiction to lending."  

"They never even asked how much we make" said Mr. Geithner.  

According to the United States, China preyed on white people with good credit, extending loans they could never pay back.  


"China can take the House" said an exhausted President Obama.  "Make sure Boehner's in there when they do."  China reportedly doesn't want the House, but might settle for Alaska and Hawaii.

Obama Downgrades Standard and Poors to Snitch

By Market News at August 06, 2011 19:23
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling

---- WASHINGTON, D.C. ----

obama downgrade dow

Late Friday the ratings agency Standard and Poors, a subsidiary of The McGraw Hill Companies, Inc. (NYSE:MHP) announced that it has lowered its rating of certain United States debt from AAA to AA+.  


President Obama promptly responded by issuing his own downgrade of S&P to "snitch."  "And their outlook is negative." 


Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner contested the downgrade.  "We got cotton. What else you think's in dollars?"



Bank of Japan Devalues Currency, Again

By Market News at August 06, 2011 10:06
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling

---- TOKYO, JAPAN ----

This weekend Japan's Finance Minister Yoshihiko Noda announced the Bank of Japan's plan to devalue the Yen a second time in one week.

This debasement comes on the heels of Japan's initial intervention to weaken the Yen on Wednesday. 

"This move goes farther.  The Yen isn't just worth less than the United States Dollar now.  It's worthless" Mr. Noda explains.  

"Everyone has to trade in their old Yen for the new bills at participating 7 Elevens on Monday."

The United States is expected to fight back in September. By then Congress or the Fed or the President will have found a way to destroy U.S. citizens' savings even faster than the Japanese.  "It's all going to be scratch-off lottery tickets" says a source within the United States Federal Reserve.  "Not everyone will be a winner."

Trichet Declares Austerity on Austerity

By Market News at August 04, 2011 12:35
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling


Members of the Euro Zone are going to have to make big cuts to austerity, says European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet.  "Germany and the Netherlands are on the brink.  If they keep spending less than they make then our Union is doomed."

Most analysts believe northern European countries will be forced into a round of belt loosening.  

"They're going to have to start buying because if they don't Trichet will call in a favor from above."


While nobody on this planet wants Italian or Spanish bonds, Trichet is said to have connections to private investors with an appetite for high yield human indentures.

"Obligating ourselves to aliens is hopefully a last resort" said a spokeswoman for the ECB.

Boehner to Obama: Where are the Thank You / Reward Points?

By Market News at July 31, 2011 03:38
Filed Under: Debt Ceiling

---- WASHINGTON, D.C. ----

Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner (Republican, Ohio) challenged the President to show what happened to all of the cash back, miles, bonus points, or other rewards earned while racking up trillions of dollars in debt.  

"There's no way you blew a tril' on credit and we don't even get a dufflebag."

The President is thought to have earned double rewards on purchases made at gas stations and major grocery stores. 


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